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Psychotic
Friends Network: Charles,
Nancy, & Fred Scene
1: Black background with empty wood table: Prison suit with “Pelican Bay State Corrections Facility, #000666” Charles: Hi
I’m Charles Manson for the Psychotic Friends Network and I’m here to tell
you all about us. Do you ever feel the need to shoot your co-workers? I know I
would, if I had any co-workers. Or do you talk to your very special friend in
your head. (Charles
Looks off and says) Shut
up fool. (Change
camera, look back at Camera) Or
do you, like me, talk and worship Satan on a regular basis. Please note that
regular means once a week or more, any less and we don’t care. And finally, if you like to watch Martha Stewart then you too need to give the Psychotic Friends network a call at 1-900-SCREWED. Just listen to this testimonial from our friend Fred. Scene
2: White background with particleboard table with crap on it Fred: I would just like to thank Psychotic Friends Network from the bottom of my heart for saving me. One afternoon I was getten’ real hungry and looked over at the couch and saw my brother Tom sittin’ there lookin’ real appetizing like. But just then a commercial from the Psychotic Friends Network came on the ol’ tube and saved me. I quickly picked up the phone a dialed the 900 number where they promptly put me on hold. And five hours later I no longer had the urge to BBQ my bro. And instead we went down to the Crossroads Diner for some possum. But unfortunately my credit card was rejected thanks to Psychotic Friends Network. So me and my bro settled for fresh road kill. Thanks Psychotic Friends Network. Scene
3: Green
background w/wood table with computer and phone Nancy: And
thank you Fred for calling. Thanks to your call I was able to but a brand new
Lexus. But more importantly we helped to keep you from eating a fellow human
being and kept you from going to prison. So if you too have an urge to commit
cannibalism or any of the other psychotic acts that Charles already mentioned,
then just give me a call at 1-900-SCREWED. Let’s now listen in on this call.
(pause, graphic and v/o inserted here) Yet
another ripped off, ohh oops, I mean better off customer. Now let’s hear from
New Jersey. John. Scene
4: Same
as Scene 2 John: One
morning after being fired from the mail service I returned to give my boss a
piece of my mind. So I go in and start firin’ left and right, letters flyin’
everywhere. Then I get to my bosses office and he’s lyin’ on the floor, so I
just wound him ten times in the leg with my AK-47, when all of a sudden an ad
for the Psychotic Friends Network comes on the TV. And as my boss is withering
in pain on the floor, he convinces me to call the number. Then ten minutes later
as I’m talking to Nancy on the line, the SWAT team bursts through the door and
puts twenty rounds of hot lead into my body. Ten months later I awake from a
coma, go on trial, get convicted, and am sentenced to lethal injection. Thanks
Psychotic Friends Network and Nancy from keeping me from killing my boss and
then committing suicide. Thanks Scene
5: Same
as Scene 3 Nancy: Well
we’re glad that we could help John. And John’s not the only postal worker we
have helped. In fact everyday we get dozens of calls just like his. That’s why
were offering a new discount to postal employees. So next time you call in, and
you work for the post office, then just tell us that you work for the post
office and you will get the 59th minute of each hour absolutely free.
Again, if you suffer from any of the mental deficiencies that we have mentioned,
or you just need someone to talk to, give the Psychotic Friends Network a call
at 1-900-SCREWED. Now back to Charles. Scene
6 Same
as Scene 1 Charles: Thanks
Nancy. Remember it’s just $5.99 a minute and it’s fun. Plus if you call now
you get a free voodoo doll of Mr. Rogers. So the next time you have the urge or
desire to kill, mutilate, masturbate, eat people, or watch Martha Stewart, then
give us a call at 1-900-SCREWED. For the Psychotic Friends Network, I’m
Charles Manson, and for all of us here, good night and pleasant dreams. (mumble
to yourself and put fingers to head like horns) Scene 7No
props needed, voice only Nancy: Uh,
huh….Uh huh. Oh really….That’s nice…I’m glad for you…Have you ever
tried Vaseline…Oh, no thanks needed… Just glad we could help…I’m sorry
but your credit card has just maxed out, so goodbye. |