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The College Book Review ShowAmber
Airhead (are heed): Robin Dr.
Fe’Tish: Ravi John
Asswipe (as weep A): Casey, is only one allowed to look into camera Amber
is a sorority chick AKK, not too smart, likes to play with own hair and say
“whatever”, “like”, and “no way/way” plus giggles a lot. Dr.
Fe’Tish is a professor of English literature at Cornell who is very snobby and
stuck up. Thinks all others are morons and should be sacrificed for the greater
good. John
Asswipe is the host of the show who wants to get into the pants of every women
guest on his show and hates when people mispronounce his name. Set
is white background with coffee table with books on it. Three chairs. Some
background drops and a few plants. Three cameras, two TVs with Teleprompter
cords plugged in are set in guest sight lines. Camera 1 on Casey, Camera 2 on
Ravi, camera 3 on all three. Scene
1: John
introduces guests and show. John:
Good evening and welcome to the College Book review, I am the host John Asswipe.
On tonight’s show we have doctor fetish. Dr.:
That’s Fe’Tish John. John:
Oh, sorry. I mean Dr. Fe’Tish on your right and on your left we have Amber are
heed from Alpha Kappa Kappa sorority. Amber
& Dr. both say hi. John
(looking at Ravi): So doctor, please tell us a little about yourself. Dr.:
Well John I am the professor emeritus of Eccentric English at Cornell and am
considered the foremost authority in my field and have published twenty books. John:
Wow, twenty books, that’s quite impressive. How many copies have you sold? Dr.:
Two hundred and twelve copies have been sold to date, John. John:
You must mean 212,000, right. Dr.:
No John:
Well then is that for your smallest seller or the average for each book? Dr.:
That’s the combined total for all twenty. John:
Well that’s not very impressive. What is that about ten copies per book? Must
be pretty boring books. But my question would be how you were able to get
nineteen books published after the first one? Dr.:
I had to pay the publisher to get my books published because apparently some
people would not know a good book if it jumped out and kicked them in their
derrière. John
(looking at camera 1): Ya, O.K…. Anyway moving on to my favorite kind of
guest, Amber are heed. Amber please tell us a little about yourself. Amber:
Well I’m five four, blond hair, blue eyes, my turn ons are… John
(looking at Robin): Wohh. Stop right there. I know that’s how you’re used to
describing yourself for job interviews but I was hoping for info like where
you’re from, what you do, what school you go to, your address, when you take
showers, stuff like that. Amber:
Ohh, O.K. I get it. Well let’s see. I’m from Lake Oswego, I go to college at
the University of Oregon, go water birds, and I think you were just kidding
about those last two questions, right John. John:
Well, actually no I wasn’t but I’ll get that stuff from you after the show.
Just stop by my dressing room in your bikini and we’ll get down to business,
if you know what I mean. John
(camera 1): Well then I guess we’ll get down to some other kind of business
and turn it over to the good doctor and let him introduce the book he is
reviewing. Doctor. Scene
2: Background
stays the same, camera 1 now on Robin, camera 3 on Ravi & Robin. Dr.
(looking at Robin): The book that I reviewed for this week’s show is (show to
camera 3) Helen Vendler’s The Art of Shakespeare’s Sonnets. This 1997
publication printed by the Harvard Press people was completely unworthy of my
time. Vendler’s views on Sonnets 34, 46, and 92 are completely un-original.
And what’s more is that she seems to miss the meanings of the majority of the
other sonnets. But most importantly is why would anyone waste his or her time
studying such an undeserving and untalented scribe as William Shakespeare?
Wouldn’t you agree Miss Airhead? Amber
(looking at Ravi): That’s Are heed doctor, I believe it’s Russian, but you
can call me Amber. And I must also agree that this book like sucked. How can
someone expect me to read a book with words like ascription in it? Like what
does that mean, crypt on someone’s but? Who does this author think she is just
making up words like that. Dr.:
Actually it is a word that has a meaning of attributed to. Amber:
No way. You’ve got to be kidding? Dr.:
No I am quite serious miss. Amber:
Well anyway I hated this book and decided to bring along my favorite book, Dr.
Seuss’s The Cat in the Hat. Which by the way doctor I was wondering if you and
Doctor Seuss were related. Dr.:
No we are not related and I have no inkling as to why you would think that. Amber:
Well whatever, you do have like the same first name. I mean jeez. You act like
I’m illiterate or something. I mean I may not be too bright but I’m not
dumb. Dr.:
The word is intelligent, not illiterate you complete waste of biological
material. Amber:
Big words from a man with a little dick! Dr.:
(pause, look shocked and embarrassed) I don’t know what you’re talking
about. Amber:
(pause) Good, now stay quiet while I finish. John
(off camera): He probably hears that a lot. Amber:
Ya. Anyway back to me and my book. Cat in the Hat is like a master-pie-ease of a
book. The book may not make any sense to me but I just think its really cool how
all the words seem to sound the same and think it should win an Oscar or some
other award. And now I think I’ll finish with this quote from the book,
“They should not be here when your mother is not! Put them out! Put them out!
Said the fish smoking pot.” Oopps, I mean “said the fish IN the pot.” Now
I may not understand why someone would put a fish in with their weed, but I do
understand that this is a great book. Scene
3: Same
set, camera 1 on Casey, two on Ravi & Robin, three on all three John
(camera 1): Well there we have it… Dr.:
(interrupting): You’re not going to let her get away with this are you? Her
book takes approximately two minutes to read and the longest word isn’t more
than six letters. (grab book) This book is worthless drivel! Amber:
How dare you Mr. Droopy drawers! Amber
and Dr. fight lamely by slapping each other weakly with books and calling each
other names while host continues with show. John:
O.K then, I guess that’s it for this week’s edition of the College Book
review. I have been your host John Asswipe and we thank you for tuning in
tonight and hope to see you next week when Charles Manson will be joining us.
Till then keeping reading those books. Goodnight. |