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Cable
In the Classroom: Props:
sheets of paper, banana, condom, and table Talents: 1 woman (Mrs. Sachs), 1 man (Mr. Johnson) Words
in Italics to be beeped out. Act
1: Scene
1: (Mrs.
Sachs stands behind table that has all the props on it) Mrs.
Sachs: Hello
children and welcome to KBVR TV’s commitment to learning, I am Mrs. Sachs for
cable in the bathroom, oh oops, I mean cable in the classroom. Today
we have a special treat for you, Mr. B Johnson will be out later with some sex
education. But
first I will be teaching you dirty little bastards how to annoy your teachers
and learn about aero-dynamics all in one, with paper airplanes. (grab
a sheet of paper) Sachs:
First I need you four foot cum suckers
to get a piece of paper out from your desks. OK,
you have your paper. Good. Now take the paper and fold it in half like so. (fold
paper) Sachs:
Now fold it again like this you little shits. (fold
front edges) Sachs:
OK then, now fold it like so. (fold
back the wings) Sachs:
And finally fold it like this you fucking
pieces of shit who are nothing but bastards
born to hookers and retarded asshole
senators. (make
the final fold or folds) Sachs:
Now then sweetie pies with pills of shit on top, throw the damn plane at your
classmates and take out an eye or two. Thank you for joining me today. Sachs:
Now it’s time for Mr. B Johnson to come out here, who will be teaching you
ungrateful jack asses how to put on a
condom when you are fucking your
little ho girl friends, or for those of you watching in Arkansas, when you fuck
your sisters. Mr. Johnson. (in
comes Mr. Johnson) Mr.
Johnson:
Thank you Mrs. Sachs for that interesting display of profanity that was both
entertaining and educational. (Mrs.
Sachs leaves) Johnson:
OK kids first need you to reach into your desks and take out a condom and a
banana. (Johnson
grabs banana and condom, then sets down the banana) Johnson:
Now put the banana of to the side, that’s the long yellow thing for those in
the California education system. Now
put the condom between your teeth like this and tear. (open
condom with teeth) Johnson:
OK, were you all successful in not tearing the condom, if not I don’t really
care just move on to the next step anyway since none of you will be getting some
anytime in the next thirty years. Next
remove the condom from the wrapper, and discard wrapper. (remove
condom and throw wrapper off-screen, pick-up banana) Johnson:
Now grab your banana, hey you little sick-o, put it back in your pants. Anyway
pretend that this is your tiny little weenie, or your playmates tiny penis, and
proceed to put the condom on like this, making sure to hold the tip of the
condom like this. (hold
tip, start putting on the condom) Johnson:
Next roll the condom now like this, and always remember to put the condom on
when the penis is erect, or in layman’s terms, when you got a boner. (roll
condom down) Johnson:
That’s all we have for this week’s edition of cable in the classroom. Always
remember that if you must have sex, and at your age you shouldn’t, and of
course we should not be teaching this to you at this age, but hey if you got a
problem with this, call your congressperson, practice safe sex. Please note that
those living in the following states should not have sex because you have low
intelligence which may lead to reproduction and the continuation of your gene
pools, of course you would not understand these so here is a translation: your
kids, like you, will be morons. These states are Arkansas, Mississippi, Northern
Idaho, Kentucky, and California. |