Do you remember those old crappy ‘B’ horror movies that you might occasionally have seen late at night on a weekend? You know, movies like Plan 9 From Outer Space, The Blob, or even Creature from the Black Lagoon? The one thing I remember was how stupid they were, not how scary they were. Well, Eight Legged Freaks is stupid, but at least they went for comedy in their crappy movie.

The only thing you really need to know about the plot of this film is that mayor Wade (Leon Rippy, The Patriot) is secretly storing some nasty chemicals underneath his small desert town. One day a new shipment is on its way when a few barrels fall off the truck and into a pond where a local ‘scientist’ accidentally takes some of this contaminated water and gives it to his exotic spiders. Of course, this causes the spiders to mutate into very large spiders the size of cars that now want to eat people instead of insects. Eventually the spiders escape from their cages, kill the scientist, and then escape into the tunnels that run under this mining community. So now Sheriff Sam Parker (Kari Wuhrer, Anaconda) and her old childhood friend Chris McCormick (David Arquette, 3000 Miles to Graceland) must try to save the town with the help of Parker’s two kids Mike (Scott Terra) and Ashley (Scarlett Johansson, Ghost World). Along the way they get the help of the cowardly deputy (Rick Overton), Ashley’s boyfriend (Matt Czuchry), and the conspiracy obsessed radio broadcaster Harlan Griffith (Doug E. Doug, That Darn Cat). Just guess who wins, but know that many people die along the way.

The main problem with Eight Legged Freaks is that many of the laughs that the cast attempt to get, end up falling flat. So in the end you have a bunch of killer spiders going after a bunch of stupid people, which would be funny if it were true, but just doesn’t deliver when it is a movie. Therefore, only two couches, and I recommend drinking alcoholic beverages before viewing.

Last updated: Thursday, March 20, 2008 02:48:32 AM

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