Ethnic Jokes

My Weapon of Choice	"My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast. "I got in a tiff with Riley." "Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand." "Aye ... that he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was." "Dear Lord ... didn't you have anything in YOUR hand?" "Aye, that I did ... Mrs. Riley's tit." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"
Chinese Medicine	An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not take precautions. A week after arriving back home in the States, he awakes one morning to find his dick, covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see his doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it." The man looks a little relieved and says "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc." The doctor answers "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis." The man screams in horror, "Oh no! I want a second opinion!". The doctor replies, "Well it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice." The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his dick, and proclaims "Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Velly lare disease. " The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!". The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid Amellican doctor! Amellican doctor, always want to opulate. Make more money, that way. No need to to opulate! "Oh thank God!" the man replies. "Yes" says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks, Dick fall off by self!"
Them Irish	An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you ... you have the cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month. Murphy shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints." After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad... He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends" I've only got a few weeks to live, I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion ..."Dad I thought you said that you were dying from cancer...? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?" Murphy said, " I am dying from cancer son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."
Tiger Woods	Tiger Woods drives his Volvo into a gas Station during his tour of Newfoundland. The newfie at the pump greets him in a typical newfie manner, unaware as to who the golf pro is, "Top o' the mornin' to you, young fella!" As Tiger leans over to get out of the car, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. "What are dey, son?" asks the attendant. "They're called tees," replies Tiger Woods. "And what would dey be fer, den?" inquires the newfie. "They're for resting my balls on while I'm driving," says Tiger Woods. "Oh, Jaysus," says the newfie, "Dem boys at Volvo tinks of everyting.

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