Redneck Jokes

The Budweiser Twins	Two Texans, Earl and Bubba, were driving down the road one day drinking a Bud. Earl looks up and says, "Lookiee up thar, Bubba...I see a real po-leese roadblaock..." "Them Pol-eese mans gonna catch us a drinkin." Bubba says. "No sir-ee they won't. You do exlaxly like I says. Finish yer beer, peel the label off a it and put the bottle unda yer seat. Now, stick the label on yer farhead". Earl does exactly as Bubba says. They pull up to the roadblock and stop with the beer labels sticking to the middle of their foreheads. Naturally, the first thing the policeman asks is, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No-siree, says Bubba.....We're on the patch"!!
Cowboy & Indian!	Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?" Indian: "Dog no talk." Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?" Dog: "Doin' alright." Indian: Look of shock!! Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at Indian Dog: "Yep" Cowboy: "How does he treat you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play." Indian: Look of total disbelief Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Indian: "Horse no talk." Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?" Horse: "Cool." Indian: Extreme look of shock!!!! Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" pointing at Indian Horse: "Yep" Cowboy: "How's he treat you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements." Indian: Total look of amazement Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?" Indian: "Sheep lie."
That Might Leave A Mark	Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins. The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands." The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today." The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.
Three Tests	A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind the bar. It's filled to the brim with ten dollar bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars there. He approaches the bartender and asks him, "What's up with the jar?" The bartender tells him, "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests then you get all of the money." "What are the three tests?" "Pay first. Those are the rules." So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the jar with the other bills. Bartender: "OK, here's what you have to do.... First you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a 90 year old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You got make things right for her." The man responds, "Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot, I can't do all that... it's impossible! "Well, you asked, and I told you...those are the rules, and your money stays in the jar." Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Whereas at teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks but he does not make a face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge scuffle going on. They hear barking, screams, yelps and growling, and eventually silence. Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped to shreds and big scratches all over his body. "Now," he says, "where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
Virus Alert	Arkansas Virus alert Y'all have just received this "Arkansas Virus". As we ain't got no programming experience, this here virus works on the honor system. Please delete all the files from yer hard drive and manually forward this virus to everyone on yer mailing list. Thanks for all yer cooperation, University of Arkansas Computer Engineering Dept.
Redneck Medicine	Two cowboys from Arkansas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices. Suddenly a woman at a table behind them who had been eating a sandwich begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. The cowboys turn to look at her. "Kin yah swallow? Asked one of the cowboys. The woman shakes her head "No" "Kin yah breathe?" asked the other cowboy. The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head "NO" again. The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. This shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again. The cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a drink of his beer. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it."
Redneck Love	A small Kentucky Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very "in the mood," and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part time redneck intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her." "Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this." The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition. "Well," said Ed, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."

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