Kid Jokes

Little Johnny	For his birthday Little Johnny asked for a 10 speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd love to give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job." "There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw Little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Johnny told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell Mom you were pulling out." I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too, and I'll be damned if I'm sticking around here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no transportation.
Ouch!	Then there's the teenager who went into the drugstore to buy condoms for the first time. He finally got up the courage, picked them out, and placed them on the checkout counter. The clerk said, "that'll be $5.95 plus tax." The kid yells, "Tacks? ... I thought they held themselves on!"
I'm Coming	Little Johnny and his father came across his puppy, dead in the back yard. Daddy explained that Buddy had gone to heaven. "So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Little Johnny, as he fought back tears. At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Buddy's legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to take him by the leg and lift him up to heaven." Little Johnny seemed to take Buddy's death quite well. However, two days later when his father came home from work, Little Johnny had tears in his eyes as he said, "Mommy almost died this morning." Fearing something terrible had happened, his father questioned, "What do you mean Johnny? Tell Daddy!" "Well", mumbled Little Johnny, "Soon after you left for work this morning I saw Mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, 'Oh Jesus! I'm coming, I'm coming!' And, if it hadn't been for the neighbor who was holding her down, she would have gone to Heaven just like Buddy did."
Cute	A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad? " She replied, "they're up in bed " So the little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's Mom and dad?" She replied "they're still up in bed " And the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "Where's Mom and dad?" His grandmother replied "they're still up in bed" The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked "What gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! What is going on here? " The little boy replied, "Well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue instead."
Napkins	My mother taught me to read when I was three years old (her first mistake). One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen??? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for "special occasions". Now fast forward a few months..... It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table. When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the edge!?!. My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter. "But, Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!"
Harry	A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!" Ms Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9". Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36". And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade." Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agree. Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs." Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" Harry: "Pockets." Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants" Ms Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? Harry: Coconut Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry said: Bubblegum Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer. Harry said: Shake hands Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay? Harry: Yep. Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. Harry: Tent Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense. Harry: Wedding Ring Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. Harry: Nose Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. Harry: Arrow Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement? Harry: Fire truck The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."
Weight For It	A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. "It is not polite." "OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?" "Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?" "That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. "My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it." Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?" "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?" "And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce." "Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?" "Because you got an F in sex."
Yummy!	A little boy's first day in school and a teacher was going to play a "guessing" game. She asked each student to close their eyes and then she passed out items to each of the students and proceeded to ask each student what item they received. When it was the new boy, Jimmy's turn, the teacher gave him a candy kiss. She asked "Do you know what it is?" Jimmy replied "No." The teacher said, "Go ahead and open it up and taste it." Little Jimmy did so. The teacher then asked, "Now do you know what it is?" Little Jimmy said "Noooooo." The teacher said, "I'll give you a hint...it is something your daddy wants from your mommy every morning before he goes to work." A little girl in the back of the class jumps up and screams "JIMMY, SPIT IT OUT.....IT'S A PIECE OF ASS!!!"
Don't Lie	John invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, she started to wonder if there was more between John and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mother's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking but I assure you Julie and I are just roommates". About a week later, Julie came to John saying, "ever since your Mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose that your mother took it do you?" John said, "Well I doubt it, but I'll send her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from my house. I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother that read: Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now... Love, Mom Lesson of the day...Don't lie to your Mom
Here Kitty Kitty	A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with ladders hung off the sides and a green garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice truck the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks," the girl says. The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your truck, but if you tie the rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster." The little girl replied, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

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