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||One hot July day, we found this old straggly cat at our door.
She was a sorry sight, starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. She had no name so we named her pussy cat. The vet decided to keep her for a day
or so, and said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband, the complaining type, said "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks. My husband and my vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my hubby El-Cheap-O, and my hubby calls him El-Take-O.
The next day, hubby had an appointment with his doctor, who is located next door to the vet. The doctor's office was full
of people waiting to see the doctor (many of our friends and neighbors). The door opened and in popped the vet and announces to my hubby, "Your wife's pussy is finally shaved and clean. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I
think she is pregnant. God only knows who the father is!" and then he closed the door..
|Who Am I?
||Who am I?
I'M ABOUT 8
MY FUNCTIONING IS ENJOYED BY MEMBERS OF BOTH SEXES.
I'M USUALLY FOUND HUNG, DANGLING LOOSELY, READY FOR INSTANT ACTION.
I BOAST A CLUMP OF LITTLE HAIRY THINGS AT ONE END AND SMALL HOLE AT THE OTHER.
IN USE, I'M INSERTED, ALMOST ALWAYS WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES SLOWLY, SOMETIMES QUICKLY, INTO A WARM,
FLESHY, MOIST OPENING.
THERE I'M THRUST IN AND DRAWN OUT AGAIN AND AGAIN MANY TIMES IN SUCCESSION, OFTEN QUICKLY AND
ACCOMPANIED BY SQUIRMING BODILY MOVEMENTS.
ANYONE FOUND LISTENING IN WILL MOST SURELY RECOGNIZE THE RHYTHMIC, PULSING SOUND,
RESULTING FROM THE WELL LUBRICATED MOVEMENTS.
WHEN FINALLY WITHDRAWN, I LEAVE
BEHIND A JUICY, FROTHY, STICKY
WHITE SUBSTANCE, SOME OF WHICH
WILL NEED CLEANING FROM THE
OUTER SURFACES OF THE OPENING
AND SOME FROM MY LONG GLISTENING SHAFT.
AFTER EVERYTHING IS DONE AND THE FLOWING AND CLEANSING LIQUIDS HAVE CEASED EMANATING,
I RETURN TO MY FREELY HANGING STATE OF REST, READY FOR YET
ANOTHER BIT OF ACTION.
HOPEFULLY, I WILL REACH MY BRISTLING CLIMAX TWICE OR THREE TIMES A DAY, BUT OFTEN
IT IS MUCH LESS.
WHO AM I ????
AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY GUESSED, THE ANSWER TO THE RIDDLE IS NONE OTHER THAN YOUR VERY
What were you thinking? You PERVERT!
|The Paris Ferry
||A depressed young woman was so desperate, that she decided to end her life by
throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome
young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot
to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away
on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer,
he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll
keep me happy." The girl nodded 'yes'. After all, what did she have to lose?
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on,
every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made
passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was
discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and
he's screwing me." "He sure is, lady," said the Captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
||Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a
short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.
The card said nothing but "Nescafe".
Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good til the last drop."
Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and
the card read: "Benson & Hedges".
Mom now knew to go straight to her husbands cigarettes, and she read from
the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King size".
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a
week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were
the words: "British Airways".
Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages
fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for British Airways. The ad said:
"Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways".
Mom fainted ....
|Blow Me Down
||This kid takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out
together. When they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give
me a blowjob?"
"What? You're crazy?!"
"Don't worry, it will be quick, I promise."
"No! Someone may see; my parents, a neighbor..."
"At this time of the night?" he says. "Trust me, no one will show up."
"I've already said no! And no means no!"
"Honey, it's just a little blowjob," he pleaded, "I know you'll like it too."
"No! I mean it!"
"Baby, don't be like that."
At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in a nightgown with her hair a mess. While rubbing her eyes she
says, "Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he'll come down and blow the guy himself, but for God's sake tell your
boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom button."
||A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said,
"I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are
sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
"Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence.
Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,
"Put the fucking beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
||Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.
As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and
promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the
ball, but only on two conditions.
"First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella
shows up, looking love struck and **very** satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
"I met a prince, fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"
"I can't remember, exactly ... Peter, Peter, something or other...."
||Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain
about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to
visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little
sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?" Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a
|Not What I Remember
||Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly
the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her
throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!" To that, Little
Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44
magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat
me, just like it says in the book!"
||Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods, so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying,
"Lie to me! Lie to me!"
||A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have
sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off at the next stop.
When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie, " I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with
you". The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells
him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and
prays to God.
"If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are god and you could command her to
have sex with you.
The hippie decides this is a great idea, so that Tuesday he went to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At
midnight sure enough the nun showed up, while she was in the middle of praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says:
"I AM GOD"
I have heard your prayers and I will answer them BUT ... first you must have sex with me. The nun agrees but asks for anal
sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church.
The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun.
After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts, "Ha, Ha Ha I'm the hippie!!" Then the nun jumps
up and shouts, "Ha , Ha Ha I'm the bus driver!!"
||Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school?
If so, do you remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends?
"Yeah man, at the dance, X and Y went behind the gym and they got to second base!"
Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second base? Tongue kissing? Up the shirt? No one was really sure.
Also, the bases tended to get progressively more intense as you got older. What's a person to do?
Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball analogies to describe sexual activity. But let's face it, there are more than four
stages in today's day and age of sex play. So, in the interests of both bringing baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications
of modern romance and with standardizing the bases, we present the
Standardized Guide to the Bases.
First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days:
* First Base- This was almost always kissing, although one guy I knew thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue kissing and
* Second Base- Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, or outside the clothes genital contact.
* Third Base- Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your partner.
* Home Run- This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in the times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases.
Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressed sex drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new factors
enter the equation, such as oral sex? And what about the exact definitions? Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling questions
and present without further ado... The Standardized Guide to the Bases!
* On Deck- Having plans for a date
* Strike-Out- Duh!!
* Walk- Kissing
* Bunt- Masturbation
* Single- Tongue kissing
* Double- Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and feels
* Triple- Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual masturbation
* Inside the park home run- Oral Sex
* Home Run- SEX!
* Ground Rule Double- would have sex, but no condom
* Error- Condom breaks during sex
* Banned for life for gambling- sex without a condom
* Hall of Fame- Marriage
Now that we've got the basics, let's introduce some terms to better explain all the things that can happen now a days.
* Balk- Premature ejaculation
* Pine Tar- KY jelly
* Relief pitcher- Vibrator
* Rain Delay- parents/roommate return home unexpectedly
* Box Seats- Waterbed
* Seventh Inning Stretch- Unusual positions
* Rookie- Virgin
* Minor Leagues- Under 18
* Loaded Bases- manage a trois
* Grand Slam- Sex three times in twelve hours
* Foul tip- VD
* Three up and three down- impotency
Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast the old confusion with current clarity.
OLD WAY- we um got to third base I guess and then we um got like past third base, but not to home plate. I really like her.
NEW WAY- first, there was a triple, then we got and inside the park home run, and started thinking, it's hall of fame time.
NEW WAY- So there I was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when I balked during the seventh inning stretch and I had to call in a relief
Well, there you have it, I hope it has cleared up a lot of the confusion
and helps you out.
A guy out on the golf course took a high speed ball right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. He finally got himself to the doctor.
He said, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé
is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and
keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage and wired it all
together. It was an impressive work of art.
The guy mentioned none of this to his girlfriend. They married and on their
honeymoon night in the motel room, she ripped open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he ever saw them.
She said, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."
He pulled down his pants, whipped it out and said, "Look at this, it's still in the crate!"
|Quick & Dirty
||A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life, that when she
married she was to please her husband and never upset him. So the first morning of her honeymoon, when the young Japanese bride crawled out of
bed after making love and she stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes, she accidentally lets wind.
She looked up and said: "Excuse please, front hole so happy back hole laugh out loud."
||A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy admitted that this was the case!
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain it to you."
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