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Movie Title: Cats & Dogs Review: The film is title Cats & Dogs, what it should have been called is Stupid & Boring. What it really should have been called is Long, Stupid & Boring but since they used two nouns, I had to stay with two adjectives; but you get the idea. What looked like a cute premise fell completely apart with an asinine script, mediocre acting and comedy that tried way too hard. This movie was full of stars, it sure was a shame they couldn’t salvage at least the comedic timing or an ad-lib or two. Jeff Goldblum was Professor Brody, he didn’t even bother to show up for this picture. Oh his body was there but he wasn’t. Elizabeth Perkins was Mrs. Brody. She filled the role of a sweet, caring and pretty mom, but that could have been covered by just about anyone- even Pamela Anderson Lee could have done that role, maybe even better. At least when she is oblivious to everything we would have bought it coming from Pamela. The kid was Alexander Pollock (Scott Brody) and either this no talent just got his first job or he was related to the producer or someone else important. Now for the animal roles, I spent the whole film trying to figure out the voice of Ivy, a stray Afghan hound, and it turned out to be Susan Saradon, one of the only characters at least trying to act. Alec Baldwin was Butch, the dog next door, and Tobey Maguire was Lou, the Brody’s new beagle puppy. The Persian cat trying to take over the world was Mr. Tinkles with the voice of Sean Hayes. The only laugh I got was at the end of the movie (how convenient) and that came from Miriam Margolyes who played a maid and a damn funny one. The maid’s role was so small though I only got that little chuckle in the end, too bad they didn’t pick up on that concept a little earlier in the film. As for the plot, the Cats are trying to take over the world. The dogs are trying to prevent them. Cats can drive and operate machinery while dogs can type on a computer, handle tools and clean up a room destroyed by bullets. The movie starts off with the Brody’s beagle being dog napped by Cats. Now the other dogs have to replace the missing dog and then get back one of their own agents. Well the beagle puppy (Lou) interferes with a Doberman pincher puppy that is trained as an agent from being adopted and Butch (the dog next door) has to work with Lou now. The reason an agent needs to be at the Brody’s is because Goldblum is trying to make a drug that eliminates people from being allergic to dogs. Once he has completed this dogs will always be man’s best friend. The Cats have to stop this. Once before they ruled. In ancient Egypt they were not just worshiped they were in charge, people were their slaves and then the dogs moved in and drove out the cats and took their place by man’s side. I was trying to remember the entire time that yes this is a children’s movie. So I looked around to see if the children were enjoying this movie. They all looked as bored as I. In fact squirming in their seats would be more exact. Bored Bored Bored. Not only was the whole film stupid and a waste of time, I had to sit through the whole thing. My only reward was the end, Mr. Tinkles was dressed up in many silly little costumes. So I enjoyed a cat being tortured and humiliated with costumes as my cheap thrill. I would have rated this movie Cats & Dogs that was directed by Lawrence Guterman a negative one, but that number is not on our scale. The writing of John Requa and Glenn Ficarra could not even get a zero because our scale does not begin until one. So my About-Movies.com rating for Cats & Dogs is a one.
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